My Story
My first suicide attempt was at the age of 7 years old.
And my earliest memory before that was of me aged 5 looking into a mirror and recognising that there was something about “Who I am” that wasn’t confined to this body or this life – a being that was peaceful, infinite, loving…and though I didn’t have words for it at the time, I knew this to be a glimpse of something deeply true.
Growing up in a broken home and bearing witness to so much pain and trauma, my experience of life from a very young age shaped me to see the deep suffering and pain of humanity. Although my Mother fondly described me as a “Baby Buddha”, I grew from a peaceful child into an angry one, and an even angrier teenager. Self-harm and continued suicide attempts became the norm, and my experience of Depression and Anxiety grew so intense that I was heavily medicated and even hospitalised for my own Psychiatric safety between the ages of 15-19.
All of this led me onto a path of seeking. Desperately searching for the answers to my questions, I discovered and found fragments of what I was looking for in Meditation, Spirituality, Energy Work, Manifestation, Therapy, Shadow Work, Self Help, Non-Duality and even a degree in Psychology – I was happy to explore any and every path to find Truth; each one offering more, but never enough.
In 2017, I embarked on a journey to change my life and dive head-first into “doing the work”. I left an abusive relationship, quit my job, and eventually sold everything to go traveling. Within a couple of years I had changed everything about my life both internally and externally; I’d forgiven my parents, I could name my patterns (and had a growing toolkit of practices to regulate with), I had a wonderful new relationship, financial security…and yet there I was: sat on a white sandy beach in what was meant to be my dream life and everything I thought I wanted, and I felt…empty.
…“It is my deepest prayer that through God’s grace, my lived experience can be an offering to those who are also ready to lay down the weapons in the fight against life, and return to the peace of our original design.”…
Shortly after that, I suffered a health collapse that completely changed my world. As my body began deteriorating through the process of Topical Steroid Withdrawal (TSW), I spent months bedridden, suffering in extreme physical and emotional pain. I had no energy to use any of my previous strategies to “change my reality”, and I found myself at my lowest point.
In a moment of suffering, I cried out to God. The God I’d denied; the God that, up until that moment, I felt more comfortable calling “Source” or “Universe”, or at a push, “Spirit”.
“What do you want from me, God? I’ve tried everything, and all I end up with is more suffering. “No matter how much inner work I do, I’ll always just be broken…” – in this outcry, I began to hear a response…not in words, but a felt sense that I was heard.
In May 2020, I reached rock bottom. I tried staying strong despite the increasing intensity of my health challenges, but my old strategies of white-knuckling my way through the pain weren’t working. I felt completely weak, helpless, and depressed at the prognosis of possibly having to deal with TSW for years.
“Why do I have to be so strong? I just can’t carry this weight anymore…”
My light was dimming and my faith was weak, and in that moment of weakness I decided to take my own life. Although it wasn’t the first time I’d attempted suicide, I recall telling myself that this would be the very last time.
The next thing I remember is waking up in a hospital bed. I had been unconscious for hours, but an impulse to vomit woke me up violently as I purged a thick black substance. Blurry-eyed, I looked at the splatter of ink-like darkness and heard a voice asking,
“What do you see?”
“I choose Life.
I choose the Light.
I choose You.”
I saw all the darkness that had been living inside me, consuming me all these years, finally out of me. I saw the distinction between white and black; Light and Dark, and the choice between life and death. I heard the voice again,
“What do you choose?”
In that moment of deep need, I encountered Christ who showed me the absolute lie I had been living under for my entire life: that I was broken, that I needed to fix myself, that I was full of darkness and doomed for a life of suffering. He showed me the violence of my endless quest of self-improvement; the torture of leaning on my own understanding and trying to have everything figured out. He extended His hand to join Him in The Secret Place. My strict morning routines softened into gentle prayers; dialogues with Him as He walked me through powerful visual journeys of being in a garden and tending to it.
It’s worth noting that prior to this moment, I had absolutely no interest in anything to do with Jesus or Christianity. I had a fascination with God, but knew that I wouldn’t find ‘Him’ in a book, nor through being told by someone else. Something within me knew that God could only be known through a direct encounter, and this is exactly what Yeshua guided me into.
My journey of coming home to my true nature was through a storyline of discovering a forgotten garden and bringing it back to life. Reconnecting to God through Nature, I was shown the deep mystical Truths in the symbolisms of Genesis, the Story of Creation, and The Edenic Covenant; God’s original dream for humanity. He gave me eyes to see and made my paths straight to come home to His Love, and this journey is what formed the foundation of Path of Peace and my signature offering, EDEN2.0.
→ Learn more about EDEN2.0 here.
Although this concept of ‘returning to the Love of God’ sounds romantic, it’s worth noting that this was no walk in the park…
As a proud Spiritual Seeker my entire life, even though I could feel this immense love and forgiveness that I’d never felt before, I still wrestled against God with resistance and doubt for almost 4 years. From the moment I encountered Christ, a monumental work of restoration began taking place within me, and my years of “doing the work” barely held a candle against the flames of “letting the work be done in me”. In that time, I surrendered again and again to being totally obliterated, annihilated, and humbled.
To this day I remain so grateful for the doubt and uncertainty that marked the beginning of my walk with Christ; I brought all my questions to Him in The Secret Place, and He patiently answered all of them until I could rest in His peace. I learned that His peace is never denied, but that we have so many layers of protection around our heart that we cannot receive it. Although it wasn’t an overnight process, the transformation of my heart was completely radical…
“And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.”
– Ezekiel 36:26
I eventually decided to get baptised in November 2023. Shortly after, I felt the calling to finally share about my faith in Christ. Even though I now speak openly about my faith, it’s still an extremely tender and intimate relationship that is often hard to put into words.
After spending two decades trying to end my life, I am profoundly grateful to be living as a testimony of the peace that transcends all understanding. My life has been transformed from chaos to a calm, trusting clarity, with my daily baseline being one of peace, harmony, and a sense of deep trust – to the degree that I’m able to feel open in the face of whatever unfolds. It is my deepest prayer that through God’s grace, my lived experience can be an offering to those who are also ready to lay down the weapons in the fight against life, and return to the peace of our original design.
Thank you for being here. You’re not alone – if you feel called to this work, I’d be honoured to journey alongside you.
→ Walk with me, Explore My Offerings.
